Oh Go Fuck Yourself Maxim: Sarah Jessica Parker is Sexier Than Jessica Alba, and Why Maxim in General Blows
Our favorite jewy confection of fashion and sex SJP finally responded to Maxim declaring her the unsexiest woman alive.
“It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.”
And it is brutal. From Maxim:
“How the hell did this Barbaro-faced broad manage to be the least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women and still star on a show with ’sex’ in the title? Pull your skirt down, Secretariat, we´d rather ride Chris Noth.”
Well, I’d rather wipe my ass with a chainsaw than with a copy of Maxim magazine. Hustler is more enlightened about women than Maxim and has better writing (see their piece on Naughty School Girl Carwash! It puts Tom Wolfe to shame).
First off, SJP is awesome because she made a career out of being the dorky drama girl on Square Pegs. Then she went on to produce one the most brilliant, invigorating and advanced dramas about female sexuality in the history of TV. She’s self-effacing with pitch-perfect comedic timing and she turned me on to Oscar De La Renta. Jessica Alba made Good Luck Chuck. There. SJP wins and you can chuck on my nuts, Maxim.
Some fun facts about about the lamest cum-rag mag around after the jump.
- Their newest piece on “Most Awesome Beards” is a rip off of Alex Blagg’s 10 Most Inspirational Beards write up on Best Week Ever . Blagg is far more hilarious (I would fuck chainsaw just to have a drink with Blagg, btw).
- They use the phrase “Rock Our Socks Off”. Really? Nobody says that but 12-year-old girls gleefully describing the sparkly gummy bracelets they salvaged from the Hot Topic bargain bin.
- Maxim christened Kid Rock as a music “icon” — in 2007.
- They refer to sex as “throwing”. As in “throwing it in a chick”. What happened to a good ol’ plowing? Or pumping? These are masculine terms that make me thinking I’m balling a farmer. Throwing makes me think of a faggy softball player pitching his flaccid junk into my end zone.
- They said this of Tina Fey: “
- or “Abbie Cornish: Dammit, we thought the movie was called Top-Loss.”
Ultimately, Maxim sucks because they used to be intelligent; classless and campy, sure, but at least they were stylish about it. They went from saying “Hey, we’re all dudes, lets not try to pretend otherwise” to saying “LOOK! BOOBS! DRINK BEER! PLAY VIDEO GAMES!” Sacrificing witty for titty does not a worthy adversary make. So, I’m over it. DONE.
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That’s because the writers at Maxim are shallow douchebags who put everything on looks and don’t count intangibles like personality and charm. Look at Frida Kahlo, that woman had a more luxurious moustache than Stalin, but she got more tail (girls, too) than Hefner at an amyl nitrate party.
If Hitler had been a skinny blonde with huge tits and couch-cushion lips Maxim would declare him the most fuckable person in history.
MAXIM does suck and has basically been rewriting their same “brilliant generalizations” about men-female relationships for the better part of a decade.
That fact notwithstanding, Sarah Jessica Parker may be the least sexy A-list actress working right now from my very male personal perspective and under no circumstances should ever be put in the same class as the Alba. SJ Parker used to be much cuter, but the years have not been kind and she has gotten far too skinny with hard, rigid features. In her non-Sex in the City work, she is increasingly cold, shrill and neurotic. If I were to ever say this in the presence of friends with grinning Beavers for wingwomen I’d be greeted with an ice cold glare. This is also approximately how I react to anyone who dares malign the Pats/Red Sox or routes for the Yankees.
I’ve met Alba before and can say unequivocally that she is the hottest woman I’ve ever seen in person and surprisingly really sweet natured. I’d still put Natalie Portman, Rachel Bilson, Rachel McAdams and Kristen Bell heads and shoulders (or rather several dozen IQ points) past the Invisible Talent Woman in the sexy category.
Maxim has been irrelevant ever since I learned how to photoshop my own softcore porn.
Speaking of porn, did anyone ever think we could make a great nerd porn called Square Pegs, Wet Holes? Anyone? No?
“Sarah Jessica Parker is Sexier Than Jessica Alba”
No she isn’t. And before you attack the Alba’s film choices, three words and a hyphen for you: “Dudley Do-Right.” So there.
Wow, OK, lets see:
-Natasha, you seem to have an unhealthy sexual fixation regarding gasoline powered saws. I shall endeavor to never enter a Home Depot with you, for fear I might slip and fall when you begin drooling out of both ends passing the Stihl display.
-I know you’re using the comparison to Hustler in a derogatory manner, but if memory serves (and it often does not,) Hustler has had surprisingly well written and conceptualized articles, I’m guessing because the editors aren’t begging their writers to dumb it down. I rather vividly remember one engaging article in an issue from back around 2001 all about the Taliban-funding Afghani opium crop. Granted, the article could have been engaging because I had eaten chili, and all the other pages were stuck together, but nevertheless I enjoyed that article.
-Why is it assumed sexy has to relate to career choices? I would argue sexy is more influenced by comedic chops than general career moves. Besides which, seeing as SJP’s career has been rolling along for two and a half decades, the highs and guilty-pleasure lows (Hocus Pocus? Honeymoon in Vegas? The OK-for-suburbia version of Hairspray that is Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?) more than make up for anything you disliked. HOWEVER, physically speaking, she has aged, and become more angular (as Celebrity Werewolf Hunter notes), and that is a valid aspect of sexiness, regardless of whether you want to admit it or not.
-Maxim is simply the adolescent male version of Highlights for kids. Let it be. Would you really want that level of latently homo-erotic, low-grade white hat fodder dissipating and further manifesting itself in society? We have septic tanks to keep from contaminating the water supply, we have Maxim for similar reasons.
-As a bearded man, I dislike things that point out the beard semiotically. It keeps my face warm during the winter. It’ll be gone in a few weeks. Listing beards you’ve liked and why makes as much sense to me as listing your favorite cloud shapes.
-Kid Rock? Stupid fun. Let it be. The man’s been making music for nearly 20 years, and he’s unfortunately best known for marrying country tinged metal with rap-rock (and skanks). How would you like to be known to the entire world because that one time, you ate bugs on the playground during recess, and for the next 20 minutes, everyone wanted to try it, until someone realized just how gross it was? Besides, how can you condemn a man who, in 1990, as a white kid from Detroit, actually wrote and recorded a rap album (released on Jive Records, no less!) featuring a song called “Yo-da-lin in the Valley”?
-Softball/endzone? Mixing sports metaphors much?
-Tina Fey is hot in a way that when I used to run out of tissues and hand lotion on a Saturday night, and I was actually watching SNL at the time. The fact that she was funny too? It’s like finding out Padma Lakshmi can cook, it’s not unexpected, but it just makes them even hotter, and in the completely unlikely event you get them into bed, it gives you something to do together afterwards.
-Like John Dennis said, “A man who could make so vile a pun would not scruple to pick a pocket.”
-Lets leave Frida Kahlo out of this particular discussion. Pretty sure Hefner didn’t have a problem pulling at a Tupperware party, why would there need to be amyls involved? Also, if Hitler were a skinny blonde with huge tits and couch cushion lips, it would mean we’ve hit the event horizon of Godwin’s law like a freight train. Also, would there even be a Maxim in such a parallel universe?
Whew, time for a late lunch.
Admittedly, I own all six seasons of sex and the city plus the farewell special, and I wholeheartedly believe that SJP is more talented and original then Jessica Alba.
Notwithstanding, given the choice between a night with SJP and a night with Jessica Alba after which I would be forced to cut off my own left testicle, I would start sharpening the scalpel and never look back.
FAGGY? Even Maxim wouldn’t stoop that low.
Ouch! Looks like Maxim hit a nerve. Maxim is to men as Cosmo is to to girls. It’s silly pap that shouldn’t get your panties all bunched up.
@homolover : I can use the term faggy because every one HeyBeUs staff sleep with gay dudes. black gay dudes. so that entitles us to use whatever slurs we want. plus i TOTALLY meant that comment in homophobic way. so jk, ok? bff-evs?
@mike: “Maxim is to men as Cosmo is to to girls.” Um, do you mean women? Probably not because only toddlers and the elderly wear “panties”. And its not silly pap, its shitty pap. and all WOMEN know that paps suck.
yeah, i’m back god damn it, and i’m mad as hell about this shit! I’m going to give you some inkling about who in the fuck reads this jack off rag. (it is nothing more than that, trust me) See, the question here is not about SJP’s fuck tastic-ness. She’s fuck-tastic, not only that, I wouldn’t feel guilty after it was over. I’d get my naked ass up, (yeah, i’m staying naked and not just awkwardly putting on my clothes like I would after a 0ne-off), make her a goddamn bowl of ice cream and just watch her eat it. Then, I’d try to get her to go for another round. Oh yeah, I’d be trying to knock her up for sure. You want to know why? Because she’s not some dim wit with a couple of nice tits. She has a goddamn brain, would make an excellent mother, and somebody that any man thinking with more than one head would love to be seen with in public.
No, the question is not about her fuck tastic-ness. The question is… WHO IN THE FUCK IS READING THIS SHIT?
Clearly, I am not a big fan of jack off rags. I’m just not. So NOW I’m going to tell you who reads this fucking shit, or rather, just looks at it.
A fucking Air Force Lieutenant kept a copy of this shit in his helmet bag. He was young, dumb, and you guessed it, full of cum. Not only that, but a real prick to boot. The people who write this shit have no depth, are not grown up in the least, and never will be… They turn into Air Force Generals who fuck around on their wife until she keeps going through the goddamn gate with multiple D.U.I.’s and consequently fucking destroys his career. I know, some of you know who I’m talking about. Shhh! It’s only the worst kept secret in the pentagon. What a fucking douche bag.
Who in the fuck is reading this shit?
The answer: Nobody, they’re just jacking off to it. Many of them are the same people you see on the internet doing a “solo” jack off session. Why they want to tape themselves jacking off is beyond me, but I’m convinced that these are the same misogynist pricks. See, they don’t find SJP sexy because they realize she is a challenge, an equal, and someone that wouldn’t tolerate their fart lighting, dick measuring, wife swapping parties. They want a dumb bitch, starved to death looking like she’s about to die, who will tolerate all their shit. The other thing, they know that they can never be Mr. Big. See, it’s fucked up jealousy from one end to the other. What are men like this really saying with all this shitty fucking attitude toward SJP?
They are saying that they, in know way, identified with their mothers at all. They want a whore that they can punish as a sex object to punish the mother that they never had. They’re fucking sick in the head and need to get real about why they can’t develop a REAL marriage. They need to get real about how their kids are dumb as hell because they chose a dim wit whose tits now fall back in under her arm pits, 10 years later, when they are trying to fuck her. I say trying because what they really do is just rub that old bastard around a few strokes, then 2 to 3 minutes later pull it out and try to jack off on their wives faces. Not even a good fuck, they’re not. Then, they wonder what the fuck is wrong with their family. Piss… It’s enough to make honest men everywhere just cut their fucking dicks off.
@Jeb: The only truly great thing hustler ever fucking did was reinforce the first amendment. I “read” hustler when I was 14 years old. I was like: oh, so that’s where you stick it in at? That’s all it’s good for… a cheap hard on followed up by a jack off session. I have only looked at that shit one other time since being a grown up and that was because I had to see Jackie O nude. I know, I’m guilty as hell for that, but damn, Jackie O nude. I had to see that. Incidentally, she was everything I had imagined and more. God damn the hotness of those cheap paparazzi spy photos. They forced me to throw away all my values and all that shit.
…
I think Maxim writes articles about the “most unsexy woman alive” for the same reason you might write a blog post on Hustler being more enlightened–for controversy, publicity & maybe a lil $$.
I don’t have an opinion on SJP, I just hope no one is judging the male gender based on those magazines–Maxim, FHM, Stuff…It’s insulting that I get lumped into the “retard” demographic just because I’m male.
Hustler is better–no joke! Christ, they even did a story on Greg Palast a few years back.
FHM’s Web site: “Mens Magazine…” Who’s going to notice a missing apostrophe with all those BOOBS in our field of vision?
They think we’re chimps, right?
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