Category — bureaucratic quicksand

Ah! Sweet California! Known for it’s sprawl and famous duck-lipped sex tape stars, California is also home to some of the most innovative and bat-shit crazy politicians. Lets take a gander of some of their creative ways to balance the budget!

1.The Dildo Tax

Pop quiz hot shot: what’s the best way to fix the budget?
A. Cut back military and prison spending

B. Add a 25% sales tax on sex toys

C. Bide time until next big earthquake, then sink romantically into the Pacific Ocean.
If you chose B, congratulations, you’re probably California Democrat Charles Calderon ! Obvs, we should protest this shit Sons of Liberty style, and toss a bunch dildos and butt plugs into the Los Angeles River. WHOSE COMING (heh) WITH ME? But why stop there? There’s also discussions to increase the tax on beer, porn flicks, and on itunes downloads. This is a slippery slope here people, next thing we know these fuckers are going be taxing emoticons and handjobs.

2.The Self-Righteous Public Radio Listener Grocery Tax Incentive

One proposal would have grocery stores charging 25 cents per plastic bag. Um, aren’t there already enough people in LA and SF who bike to Whole Foods with reusable satchels made from a blend of seaweed and cruelty-free hemp? I’m not looking forward to seeing any more of those assholes zipping around.

3.Old ppl r all up in ur government, driving down ur effishency!

By far the worst proposal is AB 2459, this gives tax breaks to low-income seniors – that they must “work off” by doing data entry or filing in county offices. Seniors? Data entry? That’s like toddlers using heavey machinery: expensive broken stuff and shit everywhere.

What’s that you say? Sticking desperate elderly people behind the desks of government offices is the least effective solution imaginable? Don’t be silly. There’s no such thing as too many disgruntled, exhausted and inept state employees. Bonus points if they have dementia.

Ok, I’m not being totally fair; on the upside, some of these proposals would increase fees for the owners of gas-guzzlers and yachts, to help avoid further cuts in healthcare and education.

In any case, time to stock up on your ridiculously overpriced adult novelties before they get even more expensive. Giddy-up!

Nothing keeps going like a political sex scandal. They’re the Rasputins of the media world. You can shoot, stab, poison, bludgeon, and drown them; but they keep lurching to their feet like some Romero-esque zombie and shambling after the public.

Meet Kristin Davis, recently-busted madame and living proof that money can buy everything but class. Her stable allegedly rented out for as much as $1,000 a night, and while her lawyers are denying she had any contact with Eliot Spitzer, a source claims that “She personally interfaced with Spitzer a number of times” back in the days when she was still a lowly whore.

Now we’ve got Kristen vs Kristin, and we can see why he thought that $4,500 an hour was worth it. She looks like a blow-up doll that sat too close to the heater overnight! When we say we hope you double-bagged it, we mean one for her head.

If Silda Spitzer hasn’t already left for Chile with the pool boy, we suggest she “personally interface” a bat with her philandering husband’s teeth.

If you thought we here at HeyBeUs were too classy to kick a woman when she’s down, well you’re just adorable. We’re not classy at all!

<—– Here is a photo of Mrs. Eliot “Bareback Attack” Spitzer taken as recently as December of last year.

<—– And here she is looking haggard during her husband’s official “I’m quittin’ cuz I got a thing for hookers kthnxbye” resignation speech.

My god, the woman aged a decade in 4 months! Clearly, being humiliated in front of the entire country is terrible for your complexion and increases gravity in the general vicinity of your face, and makes you forget you own a hairbrush.

Hey Silda, you know what we hear is a great youthful rejuvanation process? Divorcing your philandering asshole of a husband. And weren’t you a Harvard-graduate, high-powered Wall Street attorney before you retired to become a dutiful political wife? Cha-ching!

Also, seriously, get checked for STDs. Your husband was barebacking hookers on the side for half your marriage. We tease because we love!

According to Slate, Spitzer got busted because he went for “Cheap” high class hookers. Their rigorous investigative journalism reveals that the really quality whores go for upwards of $10,000 a session.

Doesn’t MySimon search prostitution rings? No? Then one can only surmise that he wound up at the Emperor’s Club VIP on a recommendation (perhaps from the Duke of Westminster?).

The ne-plus-ultra of catbags-for-hire, Slate reports, don’t go through an “agency” and operate only on referrals, sometimes going so far as to investigate the john, or — craziness! – demand to date him for a few weeks before agreeing to sex. Either way, it wouldn’t take long to figure out Eliot “The Steamroller” Spitzer is an enemy of the hooking profession.

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New York’s Emperor Eliot Spitzer apologizes for spending thousands of dollars on high price hookers. WOOPS! He probably thought he was just using google text.
The online prostitution ring, called Emperor’s Club VIP, yielded some charges last week but only this morning did Spitzer admit his role in it - hiring an escort with benefits via text messages while govenor. The Emporer’s special services cost $1000-$5500/hour for girls who were rated from 1-7 in diamonds. (HuffPo gives you a breakdown of the ooh la la website).

Diamonds are obviously no longer his wife’s best friend. But she stood by his side, like a good political wifey, while he stated his paltry apology. Though she looks awfully downtrodden, I’m sure she’ll chipper up once she starts plotting her impending divorce revenge.

Before servicing such gentlemen’s clubs, Spitzer made a name for himself as Attorney General of New York known for busting up Wall Street corruption, including a few high-profile prostitution rings. I guess when you rub elbows with those sorts for so long, you start rubbing other parts too.

Eliot Slutzer, you made my day.

DC (related) news clips. Dig it. We actually read these whole articles. And we generally don’t read shit…

*Chairman Meow : YES ! If the internet was any indication to the unstoppable power of the new super race then this makes it inevitable: 200 hundred feral cats have taken over a trailer park in Fairfax, VA! Residents leave out bowls of food! The cats come out at twilight! By the hundreds! Its smell like piss! KITTEHS!! WHO’S COMING WITH ME??!?!?

*On the Next Episode of Oz: Turns out prison guards really do put hits out on inmates: “As the defense attorneys sought to pursue an accusation that two of the guards ordered the killing to preserve a contraband-smuggling ring. Defender Mary Jo Livingston said in court that the state “knew for 10 years that the conditions were deplorable” at the facility and that the failure to act “led to anarchy within the institution” and “fueled the environment of corruption.”

*NEWS FLASH:Poor Kids have it rough! There are never enough social workers! Next up in the WaPo soft-ball-statement-of-the-obvious: ‘THE HOMELESS! WISH THEY HAD HOMES!‘ Do I even need to say it folks? Life imitates art imitates life.

*Yes, but what does Larry David think about all this? : “Here’s an idea for an Obama ad: a montage of Clinton’s Sybillish personalities that have surfaced during the campaign with a solemn voiceover at the end saying, “Does anyone want this nut answering the phone?”– Here’s a small write up he did on Hillary’s retarded 3 am phone ad. Larry David is awesome. I’m like Larry David except with less talent, less money, and more neurosis (wanna date? forever?)

“A quicksand of bureaucratic paralysis” and warped image of the indifference is how one WaPo blogger describes DC’s Child Welfare Agency.

The Agency has come under federal scrutiny following the Banita Jacks case. Jacks’ file was “closed” and considered resolved until police found the 4 bodies of her daughters murdered by Jacks in their home. The girls were so badly decomposed that their bodies were skeletal.

Pour yourself some protestant whiskey and pop those last 75 milligrams of Effexor, here are some of the bewildering facts that federal review of the Agency has drudged up:

• The District still has the highest child-poverty rate in the United States: 32%.

• The Child and Family Services Agency in DC deals with about 4,500 children every year. Many social workers have a caseload of 12 children. That means dealing with 50 to 70 members of dysfunctional families.

• In order to have a file “closed” the way the Jacks file was, 5 types of contacts are required: the victim, the alleged abuser, the person who reported the incident, doctors or teachers, and all household members. A few months before Jacks’ bodies were found, the Agency was under quality control investigation. There were the 309 closed cases where the five required contacts for each case were not all reached. In some cases, she said, the child and the parent were never contacted.

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