Category — campaign stain

Freeper Alert!

The Freepers just won’t let the Barack Obama birth certificate scandal go. What scandal? Exactly. If you aren’t a tinfoil beanie-wearing mouth-frothing lunatic, you’ve likely never heard of this “scandal”. They’re convinced his birth certificate will reveal that he wasn’t born in the US, or that his mother was a jackal, or something.

I belive the reason [Barack Obama] won’t release [his birth certificate] is because it lists his full name including the firstname of Barry, not Barack, and lists him as caucasian, not african.

He’s worked awfully hard (changing his name to something african sounding and calling himself black, instead of white or mixed) to further his career. He’s not about to have that all blown up by the truth that he’s just as much white as black.

That devious bastard! Why if there’s one thing that’s a sure ticket into the White House, it’s bein’ black and having a furrin-soundin’ name!!

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Self, doesn’t everyone already know that Obama’s mother was white? It’s hardly something he’s tried to keep secret.” Yes, normal people like the average reader of HeyBeUs already knows that. But Freepers, who live in survivalist bunkers subsisting on potted meat and evaporated milk, are insulated from anything that might cause cognitive dissonance, and rely soley on Fox News and the voices inside their heads to give them word of the outside. It’s why they still think Iraq has WMDs. Also why they’re so damn inbred.

Once again, we thank Sadly, No! for wading through the muck of conservative blogs, so we don’t have to sully our dainty hands, and bringing back the most hilarity-inducing bits. Hey, it’s like what Joseph Campbell was talking about!

* PNP means “Party and Play”. It’s a gay thang. Means you’re down to do meth/coke and fuck strangers.The more you know!

If you claim to have smoked crack and blown the Democratic Presidential nominee, YOU might be in the pockets of desperate conservatives!

If you haven’t heard of Larry Sinclair, it’s because only the wingnuttiest of conservatives (think people who make Michelle Malkin look reasoned and intelligent) are using him as ammo against Obama. He’s put a video on YouTube where he claims to have done cocaine (he makes sure to elaborate that while it was powdered coke for him, Obama smoked crack, because that’s what black people do) and blown him in a limo in the late ’90s. Oh, and apparently Obama gave the total stranger he cruised for gay sex and drugs his real name and position, because he’s just that stupid.

Sinclair has a decades-long criminal record of fraud and petty crime, and has oustanding warrants in Colorado. So does he lay low and continue to sling mud from the relative anonymity of the internet? No, he calls a press conference in Washington DC, which results in 2 US Marshalls showing up and hauling him off. Genius!

Oh, and did we mention his lawyer?

It got worse when Sinclair’s lawyer Montgomery Sibley—whose license is currently suspended in D.C. and Florida—showed up in a kilt and told reporters that his above-average endowment made slacks tight and uncomfortable.

Welcome to WTFville. I imagine we’ll be taking quite a few more trips there between now and November.

Hat tips to Pandagon and Reason.

One sure sign that Obama is the man to beat this fall is the ridiculous rumor mill that has revved up and started churning out crap, such as the “revelation” that somewhere there’s an audio tape of would-be First Lady Michelle Obama ranting angrily about “Whitey”. We’re pretty sure that, should such a tape actually exist, there would have been a collective orgasm from the right-wing blogosphere that could be heard ’round the world. We doubt it could be kept secret for 30 seconds.

This rumor is like a game of Telephone and keeps changing and getting more incredible with each iteration. The people rumored to have been joining her have run the gamut from plausible (Jeremiah Wright) to doubtful (Louis Farrakhan) to hallucinatorily impossible (Malcom X).

There’s a plausible theory going around, that everyone is getting all het up over a tape in which Michelle Obama is criticizing Bush by saying “Why’d he put us in Iraq for no reason?”, etc., and it’s being misrepresented as “Whitey”. Which makes sense, because saying “Whitey put us in Iraq for no reason” doesn’t even make grammatical sense. Michelle Obama went to Princeton University and Harvard Law School. She’s not the fucking Hulk. “Whitey let New Orleans drown! MICHELLE SMASH!”

And then there’s this:

We figured the fist-pound was just an affectionate gesture of solidarity and triumph.  Well, color us naïve; it’s obviously some kind of coded hand signal for, at the very least, BLACK POWER!. Or possibly OMGTERRORISM!.

White people are crazy.

Don’t make me use these guns on you, Gilbert.

To-may-to, To-mah-to. Both were horrible places where the Nazis perpetrated hideous crimes against humanity. It’s not as ridiculous as Hillary’s “I landed under heavy fire in Bosnia!” gaffe, seeing as how Obama was talking about events that happened more than 60 years ago to someone else.

Never a group to let reasonableness stand in the way of a good rant, some of them are desperately digging for a scrap of proof that Obama lied outright. Leading the charge is Steve Gilbert of Sweetness & Light, who sent an email to the owners of a website that preserves the history of the 89th Infantry Division of WWII (the division that liberated the camp), asking if there was any record of a “Charlie Payne” and including links to his insane blathering on the subject.

The reply was about what we’d expect from a veteran of horors that would probably make Gilbert and his cohorts piss their pants and start crying like little girls:

Please crawl back under the rock you came out from.

Good day

Raymond Kitchell, veteran 89th Inf Div

Raymond Kitchell, truly you, and the rest of the 89th Infantry Division, deserve the appellation “The Greatest Generation”. We tip our hats to you, sir!

More pancake! I can still see the hypocrisy and self-loathing!!

However, that won’t stop Joe from hanging out with Hagee and a bunch of his minions at their big revival meeting–or whatever the hell the deceptively innocuously-named “Christians United for Israel” really is–in July.

I bet he wouldn’t dare do this if his mother was still alive. Can you imagine the sheer tonnage of disaproval that a Jewish mother could generate towards a son whose friend is kind of a fan of Hitler? That would make for some awkward Thanksgiving dinners.

We endorse the black guy.

Byrd has a cute nickname in the Senate: “Sheets”. That’s because he used to belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

Hill, even the former Klansman is throwing his weight behind Obama. Save yourself a shred of dignity and drop out. Sure, you’re probably going to win Kentucky today; only to have the nation’s makers of racist lawn ornament jockeys endorse Obama next week.

This was it. This was the Intergalatic Douche Queen’s last and best chance of closing the delegate gap. She has run out of time. She has run out of  arguments. And I have run out of clever word plays for the term douche (douche nozzle, grand dragon of douche, douche pie, la doucherina, robert douchey jr.,  d etc). [Read more →]

Arugula got into Yale on his daddy’s connections and money, skated through with gentlemen’s Cs, and avoided Vietnam. Oh wait, that was the current president.

If voting for someone based on their taste in alcoholic beverages and salad ingredients is what we’re all going to do, someone with a taste for absinthe and bitter endive better step up. We here at Hey Be Us have exotic and eclectic tastes.

What happens if one ingests arugula and beer at the same time? Does it make your small intestine a red organ and your large intestine a blue organ, and do they start arguing about abortion?

According to a new biography of Arizona Senator and presumptive GOP presidential nominee John McCain, The Real McCain, in 1992 he called his wife a very bad name:

In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain’s hair and said, “You’re getting a little thin up there.” McCain’s face reddened, and he responded, “At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.”

In McCain’s defense, he meant to call Cindy the slightly less offensive insult “slut”. Much like his inability to tell Sunnis and Shi’ites apart (don’t even ask him about Sufis!), McCain tends to mix up deragatory names for women.

 Also, “cunt” wasn’t even that bad a word to call your wife when he was a young man, back in the 13th century.

 It would almost be worth having to suffer through a 3rd Bush term to witness the international incident that would happen when Prez McCain called Angela Merkel a “hussy”

Bill,

Look at you: anytime someone attacks your wife, you get all shouty and defensive. You were so calm when you were the president. Remember when you said you didn’t like marijuana, or you didn’t know how to define “is”, or that you loved your wife? You delivered it with a straight face and perfect sincerity.  I loved you back when you ate Big Macs and played “hide the Macanudo” with fat interns. But the new you — the skinny, hormonal, senile you — makes my inner Democratic Debby sad.

You’re no longer lecherous and fun. You used to whisper sweet answers to the New York Times crossword puzzle in my ear. Now you go on screaming tirades about Judas Richardson.

Why the mood swings? Is it because when I google “Clinton”, your wife comes out on top? Are you feeling inferior? Does she discipline you when she wakes up at 3AM? Is it really defensiveness, or can you not take the heat anymore?

We understand the difficulty: how do you best utilize a two term president who happens to be the spouse? She can take care of herself, Billy boy. Just get up, retire to the sun room, and make some flower arrangements with the other first ladies in waiting.

ps. Ricky Ray Rector didn’t freak out when he was going to be put to death. He asked if he could save his last meal “for later.” Then again, he was a vegetable when you threw the switch.

Could this ad be anymore ABSURD? Has some devious Obama operator infiltrated Hillary’s campaign communications to destroy her from within? What the hell is behind this colossal political miscalculation? Two answers:

1. This bitch is broke
2. Her unionbusting, crusty campaign strategist Mark Penn is a sad sack-of-incompetence.

see the ad after the jump

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Clinton crawls out of political grave to feast upon votes of the living

This is what we refer to in Texas Hold ‘em as “drawing dead.”

Here’s why you should worry about anyone who is still delusional enough to wear a HILLARY pin in public:

The political smarties over at Slate have some magical formula that calculates Clinton’s chances. After the snowballing of shitty news for Clinton, they put her at a pathetic 10.3% chance of getting elected. Whatever their methodology is (and really, who are we to question what people on the internet say?) there are two mathematical facts that are undeniable.

1. Clinton can’t close the pledged-delegate gap

2. Obama has her beat in the popular vote

[Read more →]