Category — define irony

Next time I videotape myself fucking and peeing on a teenage girl, I’ll be sure to wear this fiendishly clever disguise!

Apparently Kelly’s lawyer slept through the first day of law school, when you learn never to introduce evidence without first making sure it doesn’t further incriminate your client:

A defense lawyer argued then that since the man in the graphic 27-minute tape did not have a mole, that man could not be Kelly. But on Thursday, video forensics expert Grant Fredericks froze several frames of the sex tape where a dark spot was visible on the man’s back. For comparison, Fredericks showed the jury a still photo taken of Kelly’s back after his arrest in 2002, revealing a dark fingernail sized mole. “There is a mark on the man’s back in the exact same position,” Fredericks said, referring to the tape.

Kelly and his lawyers looked grim and dejected during the expert’s testimony, while prosecutors looked pleased, appearing to smile as they sat at their courtroom table.

Aww, don’t fret, R! We bet there are lots of watersports fans in our country’s fine maximum security prisons. You’re probably going to be on the receiving end, though.

What is this strange feeling we’re experiencing? Is it… respect? …for Chris Matthews??

Last week while speaking to the Israeli Knesset, Dear Leader made a typically retarded statement in which he compared Obama’s desire to talk with Iran before we resort to invasion and carpet-bombing to Neville Chamberlain turning over Austria and the Sudentenland to Hitler. If we may cram a little English in with the history: That’s “diplomacy”. “Appeasement” is giving a dictator half of Czechoslovakia so he won’t invade Poland. You’re welcome!

Ignorance of both recent history and basic language skills didn’t stop the usual right-wing water-carriers from taking up the meme of appeasement and regurgitating it all over the airwaves. Bush gave them their talking points and they have a job to do, damn it!

In this recent clip from Hardball, watch Chris Matthews take time out from asking Hill if her vagina would keep her from being an effective Commander-in-Chief to nail Kevin James but good. He hammers away at him for several minutes while James hysterically splutters the same ineffective non-answers ad nauseum (”It all goes back to appeasement! It’s the exact same thing! It legitimized and energized!”), before he finally cracks and admits he has no idea what he’s talking about.

The worst thing about Kevin James is how patently manufactured his “conservative outrage” is. It’s obvious he doesn’t give a fuck about politics; being a right-wing talking head is the closest thing to huckstering snake oil to local rubes from the back of a covered wagon as you can get in the 21st century. We’ve seen better acting on infomercials for “painless” hair-removal systems playing at 3 o’clock in the morning.

We endorse the black guy.

Byrd has a cute nickname in the Senate: “Sheets”. That’s because he used to belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

Hill, even the former Klansman is throwing his weight behind Obama. Save yourself a shred of dignity and drop out. Sure, you’re probably going to win Kentucky today; only to have the nation’s makers of racist lawn ornament jockeys endorse Obama next week.

Dude, you got dooced

The Millenial Generation is painted here as self-involved, shallow, coddled consumerist whiners who think “think updating a spreadsheet while simultaneously posting to a Twitter account about the latest gossip on perezhilton.com is an essential corporate skill”.

Part of me remembers the accusations of “slacker” and “cynical” that were flung at us by the Baby Boomers and can’t help but think that this feels like another spoke in the endlessly turning wheel of “This generation that came immediately after us is nowhere near as awesome as we are, and will bring about the fall of civilization!”

On the other hand, fuck the Millenials. We gave the world anticommercialism, Google, and Johnny Depp. What the hell is going to be The Millenials’ legacy to the world, motherfucking MySpace? The claim that anal isn’t “real” sex?

Hey, remember the hiptard who made those Yeah, I had totally forgotten about him ten minutes later, too, except for that time when he commented “anonymously” on HeyBeUs and I called him hackneyed.

His new shirt says “Jews Against Obama” and he’s got a new schtick to match it. No more “I’m punk rock and hipster ironic,” now he’s a gay Jewish bigot, and he’s got some hate to spew:

The majority of the Jews – at least the ones that are proud of their religion and practice it – like me, don’t want to see Obama – a man who’s middle name is Hussein, and his family from his Kenyan father’s side is Muslim, as the leader of this great country.

He hasn’t changed the price tag, though: still $250.

I made a shirt, too! I’m an artist! Put me in a museum! Mine’s only $15, it’s more clever than yours, and I don’t get any of the profit, so I’m selfless to boot! Hey, press folks! Email me for an interview. I’ve got the hatred, and I can even promise to be drunk when you talk to me! If that’s not journalism, then WHY THE FUCK AM I READING ABOUT THIS DOUCHE FOR THE SECOND TIME. [Read more →]

This graphic escaped from bondage, taught itslef to read, and wrote its memoirs

The graphic at left was thrown onto the screen, requesting viewer opinions. I can tell you what the average Fox and Friends viewer opinion is:  HILLARY KILLED VINCE FOSTER AND OBAMA IS A SECRET MUSLIM. Anyway, that’s not the point.

The point is that the Douglas in the Lincoln/Douglas debates was Stephen Douglas, noted slavery enthusiast and historical footnote. The debates, of which there were seven in all, were largely about slavery. But Fox seems to have confused him with Frederick Douglass, who was an escaped slave and prominent abolitionist. We’re pretty sure he was on the same side of the issue as The Great Emancipator.

Fox News has a long and storied history of having graphics that make as much sense as Chinese instructions for flying the Space Shuttle that have been run through Babelfish, like that time they said page-stalking Mark Foley was a Democrat. In the interests of giving their PAs more time to go out back and smoke blunts, here are some other Douglases they might want to use for future graphics:

• Michael Douglas. He’s not the President, but he played one on the teevee!
• James Douglas, Governor of Vancouver Island.
• Archibald Douglas, 5th Duke of Douglas.
• Buster Douglas, American heavyweight boxer.
• The Douglas Squirrel, why the hell not, it makes as much sense as Frederick fucking Douglass.

Possible replacement for the elephant as symbol of the GOP. Elephant testicles are too leathery to be palatable.

Former Republican Senator and Governor of Nevada, Paul Laxalt, was hosting an annual all-male, all-GOP “lamb fry” dinner in Georgetown, when he choked and had to be Heimliched by former campaign aids for Huckabee and Romney.

“Lamb fries” are, of course, the cutesy name given to fried sheep’s testicles.

So, a group of misogynists leave the little wives at home to go hang out in a testosterone-laden gathering and put animal testicles in their mouths. One of them can’t handle the mouthfull of balls, so a couple of servant boys dogpile him and aggressively dry hump him from behind.

People, if there is one thing the GOP does way better than the Democrats, it’s kink.

Take a picture to remember this face Ginny, because you ain’t gonna be able to make it again for a long time: Virginia Madsen to be new “face” of Botox. It was just 4 years ago that she made Sideways without wearing any make-up, and now she’s endorsing the facial injection of poison. It’s worked wonders for Nicole Kidman and Priscilla Presley!

This is just one part of Botox’s attempt to rejuvinate (zing!) their product’s image, in light of a recently released study that shows Botox can spread to the brain and lead to breathing difficulties and death. The more wrinkled your brain is, the better it works. Well, who needs to think when your face is a perfect shiny rictus? Thinking just gives you more wrinkles! It’s a vicious cycle!

Another part of Botox’s makeover is their new slogan, “It’s all about freedom of expression!”, proving that irony is a foreign concept to the company: the complaints that Botox is ruining movies by turning the faces of actors into frozen masks incapable of registering emotion have been getting louder and more frequent of late.

is my chin still there? i can’t feel it

This is the picture Botox is using on their website to “prove” that one can still make facial expressions after being injected with their toxic sludge. This is the best photo that an expensive marketing campaign that presumably had hundreds of photos to choose from could come up with. This woman can barely open her mouth!

Dear TSA,

Just bend me over, stick a metal detector up my baggage and let me get on my miserable traveling way.

Stop pretending you’re going to make the experience pleasant, with your new-fangled “Mauve lights glowing softly, soothing music humming, and smiling employees offering quiet greetings and assistance.”

Last summer I spent two nights in airports crouched underneath benches in the fetal position listening to Chumbawumba. And just last week, American Airlines cancelled my flight, after voluntarily grounding more than 400 flights for YOU.

And don’t you remember that sweet Texas woman whom you made publicly remove her nipple ring with pliers? You didn’t dispute the details and said those security searchers were right! But you should recognized that forced public privates disclosure sure doesn’t make me think I’m in serene wonder funland. [Read more →]

Hiedi straddles the gender divide. In heels.!

Hey New York Times, your creditability is just skyrocketing right now, huh? 

New York Times ReporterGinia Bellafante, who just 10 years ago declared that feminism is dead in a Time Magazine cover story, has apparently changed her mind in the face of a new feminist heroine for our age, someone up there with Susan B. Anthony, Gloria Steinem, and Ayaan Hirsi Ali (I don’t include Betty Friedan, because she had a little problem with girl-on-girl action and referred to lesbians as “the lavender menace“, which wouldbe an awesome name for a Batman villainess, btw): Heidi Montag of The Hills!

…wait, what?

Defying our expectations, Heidi has emerged as a kind of feminist hero this season, climbing her way to a bigger position at the event-planning company where she orchestrates NASCAR parties, and refusing to acquiesce to the demands of her fiancé, Spencer, that she get herself home on time. Her career-mindedness sets their relationship off course. Heidi identifies the problem with no name: a boyfriend who sits around an apartment decorated to look like an ’80s video arcade while trying to deny Heidi a real wedding with the glory of registering. Her groundswell of self-assertion begins when he insists on eloping, prompting Heidi to declare, “This isn’t, like, Spencer’s relationship and you decide what we do.”

People, this is what our beloved leader Dubya called the THE TYRANNY OF LOW EXPECTATIONS . Well, in all fairness, such behaviour would have gotten you set on fire just 400 years ago. Baby steps!

You can read moar about Wall Street Journal’s hard-on for Lauren Conrad and why we are soaking wet for RADAR at our newest web-crush Buzzfeed.

Shiv-worthy Chic

The Hiptard behind it all, Doron “Apollo” Braunshtein, claims that all the people who have been leaving him angry messages and death threats “just don’t get hipster irony.” As if that weren’t enough, his interview with the NY Press continued:

“I’m very punk rock… They don’t understand what I’m doing. They think I’m spreading hate. Could you imagine if Obama were killed? They might blame me. Then I’d be taken to jail and have to have prison sex.”

Like, ohmigod Apollo! You’re so tortured, you must be an artist! But don’t worry — I understand you. You’re selling mindlessly crass sweatshirts for extortion-level prices and then crying like a bitch with a skinned knee to score free marketing in the backlash. That way, you can make money without thinking, working or creating any value whatsoever in society.

COMMUNICATING BADLY AND THEN ACTING SMUG WHEN YOU’RE MISUNDERSTOOD IS NOT CLEVERNESS.

Gawker points out that Apollo has already humped this tired hag of an idea once, charging $250 for a safety-pin-bedecked t-shirt that read “Who Killed Anna Wintour.” At least that time, he had something to say about fashion. This time, he’s just running low on trust fund capital to buy meth and amyl nitrate.

via Gothamist, Racked

Aren’t these guys adorable? Don’t you want to just sweep them up and give ‘em a pool to clean?

Nothing says love like a family of offensive tattoos

Meet the Bebees. Father Floyd, 48, and his son Justin, 21, were arrested last year (on different dates) in central Florida.

As you can tell from the mug shots, the Bebees are forehead tattoo enthusiasts.

Another of Bebee’s kids, Floyd III, is locked up until 2016 on a variety of felony convictions. And while the 23-year-old inmate has yet to get his head inked, he does have a swastika on his left leg, and the phrases “Time Served” and “White Pride” on his right leg. In a TSG interview, Floyd Bebee, a father of eight, said that he has a tattoo on the back of his head reading “Got-R-Did.”

The ink on his forehead cost $125 and took about 45 minutes to complete, Bebee said, adding that he was the family trendsetter when it it came to such head art. Bebee, who does odd jobs like home remodeling and demolition, said that his wife had a succinct response to his forehead ink: “You crazy,” she said. Bebee noted that since his son’s eyes are open in his mug shot, the photo does not reveal a hidden surprise: Justin has the words “Fuck” and “You” tattooed on his eyelids. — via The Smoking Gun.