Category — district matters

Possible replacement for the elephant as symbol of the GOP. Elephant testicles are too leathery to be palatable.

Former Republican Senator and Governor of Nevada, Paul Laxalt, was hosting an annual all-male, all-GOP “lamb fry” dinner in Georgetown, when he choked and had to be Heimliched by former campaign aids for Huckabee and Romney.

“Lamb fries” are, of course, the cutesy name given to fried sheep’s testicles.

So, a group of misogynists leave the little wives at home to go hang out in a testosterone-laden gathering and put animal testicles in their mouths. One of them can’t handle the mouthfull of balls, so a couple of servant boys dogpile him and aggressively dry hump him from behind.

People, if there is one thing the GOP does way better than the Democrats, it’s kink.

Shocking news about Cindy “Beer Baronness” McCain: Recipes which were claimed to be “old family recipes” on the official McCain website turned out to have been stolen from the Food Network website.

The McCain camp is blaming it on an intern. So, you believed you had a god-given right to steal something you didn’t even really need from hardworking people, than blamed the hired help when you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar? That’s not elitist at all!

I suppose we shouldn’t be too hard on poor Cindy. After all, the woman clearly hasn’t eaten since sometime in the late 1980s. How can she be expected to have recipes of her own?

p.s. Cindy better pray Giada’s not mobbed up.

via here.

Dear TSA,

Just bend me over, stick a metal detector up my baggage and let me get on my miserable traveling way.

Stop pretending you’re going to make the experience pleasant, with your new-fangled “Mauve lights glowing softly, soothing music humming, and smiling employees offering quiet greetings and assistance.”

Last summer I spent two nights in airports crouched underneath benches in the fetal position listening to Chumbawumba. And just last week, American Airlines cancelled my flight, after voluntarily grounding more than 400 flights for YOU.

And don’t you remember that sweet Texas woman whom you made publicly remove her nipple ring with pliers? You didn’t dispute the details and said those security searchers were right! But you should recognized that forced public privates disclosure sure doesn’t make me think I’m in serene wonder funland. [Read more →]

    Just in case you were too busy stuffing your faces with The Tudors last night to notice, the “favorite” American pastime of baseball officially opened the season with a landmark new stadium (so long RFK) in the capital of the free world. Though baseball aficionados celebrated the new Nationals stadium, saying it was a once in a lifetime spectacle, good ol’ Georgie got a lot of his own attention. BEING BOOED OFF STAGE. So America, popcorn and nachos in hand, has spoken: “Get off our Astroturf, numbnuts. We’re sick of playing your hardball.”

On the surprising front, the Nationals won their first game in their new home. I just hope I can go there, like RFK, for $5, drink beer in the stands and antagonize Teddy Roosevelt (what a fat ass).

OMG! So true! The District is totally like a utopian garden! Filled with adorable couples walking their hypoallergenic sweatered rats down the street, on their way to the Cheese and Quiche shop, right before they meet up with their old buddies to relive the glory days of the Howard Dean campaign. Ugh. They are assholes. And they are raising your rent.

I like the print copy. “Unique split-level loft” that’s how I’m going to refer to my vagina from now on.

thanks to copyranter, my personal advertising sage and fellow loather of capri pants.

Won’t someone please think of the children?! A Kentucky mother was shocked, SHOCKED when some “fun-shaped straws” she bought for her 3-year-old daughter turned out to have a very fun shape.

Naturally, being the kind of woman who A) lives in Kentucky, and B) saddles her daughter with the stupidly pretentious name of “Ashlynn”, she couldn’t just chuckle at it and chock it up as a funny story to tell the girls over gin rummy. No, she marched down to Wal-Mart and complained about it. She claims the customer service representative she spoke to was rude, but that’s probably because they were tired after being locked in the store all night and forced to do inventory without being paid.

“There are two of them that are shaped like the male private area,” said Bailey.

Is Bailey aware that the word “penis” is not, in fact, a curse word? You can say “penis,” Mrs. Bailey. No one’s been tarred and feathered for saying that word since 1912.

Unfortunately, Bailey could not be reached for further comment as she was at her local Wal-Mart urging them to strip their shelves of bananas, frozen corndogs, and cigars.

Here’s what you need to know to impress your friends and sound all smart like. This shit is fucked though, son, for real! BRACE YOURSELF:

• At the center of the case is the Second Amendment which says: “a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

• The constitutional question is whether that first clause limits the right to bear arms to a hooch fueled citizen militia, or just a SINGLE heat packin gangster. Individual rights to bear arms versus militia rights to bear arms.

• Last year, the court of appeals for the District of Columbia used the individual-rights rationale to strike down D.C.’s gun law—the toughest in the nation– which bans handguns and requires permitted firearms to be stored, unloaded, with triggers on lock.

• After only 8 minutes into trial the conservative votes align to create a fundamental right for an individual to bear arms :

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Finally! The Gorilla lobby and Guerilla lobby are working together! The issue: black-market-financing of eco-tourism. Rebels are now taking tourist groups into the mountains of the down and dirty DR to see the mountain gorillas. Free Marxist chants but no trail mix provided.

Rebels have seized control of eastern DR Congo’s Gorilla Sector, which houses more than half of the world’s mountain gorilla population, and have said they will execute any wildlife ranger who attempts to enter the area.

Funny thing is the Rebels are being discourteous, how strange?

So a typical tourist coming from this vacation can utter every so softly, “No really, they’re really really nice. I mean they killed some children along the way but they let me run up and touch the giant monkey. Plus gorrillas can be taught to sign, like cute autistic kids. AWWW.”

Hell yeah, we’ll take a cheap shot at autistic kids! We’ll take em down a peg, arrogrant bastards.

Because you can’t satisfy your thirst for knowledge in Warcraft alone, for all those DC Dorks out there, here’s a game to waste your day away. Thanks Trip Advisor.

If you can’t see a map above, you’ll need to upgrade to the latest version of Flash

Note the glorious menu on the right. Clinton, to this day, is revered by all the toothless Chinese men in neighborhood.

Due to our slow-boiling recession restaurants around the down 2% in total last year. 41% of consumers are eating out less. While I’ve always been a frugal  I do whimper at the thought of people’s dreams be ing shutdown because the rest of you are being trendy and jumping on the cheapskate wagon.

What refuge can our local mediocre eateries take? What could possibly save us from demise?: More pink faced ravenous politicians.
When Bill Clinton was president, restaurants in DC flourished. He is still revered today by many a Chinese menu and seems to have made his rounds to nearly every greasejoint in the town. That’s dedication!

Bush chokes on pretzels and doesn’t drink (gay). Obama looks too damn skinny, though he did patron the Dunking Donuts near my house (thanks for the free donut Barry!), Hillary is way too fussy and probably eats grass, and McCain can hardly eat anywhere because he needs his food mushed up like applesauce.

As I watch Ceiba change their menu into cheaper smaller portions, and the Starbucks next door close, I wonder if perhaps the leadership of the president or the future president could somehow aid in this travesty.

Is there hope for the future?Until I can high five a world leader in my local restaurant again, I’m eating hot pockets at home.

While Condi and Karen (and soon to be Glassman too!) rave about their digital web team of three Arabic-speaking people, and awkwardly interview Cal Ripken for YouTube (Sweeties! No one knows who he is!), the Army engages in a subvert superhero mission: making sweet ass comic books to reinforce Iraqi Security Forces.For just $2.4 million, theArmy will create 12 issues of 30-page 6th Brigade Comic books, making a total of 720,000 copies “to highlight the professionalism of the Iraqi Special Operations Forces (ISOF) and to enhance the public perception of the Iraqi Security Forces (ISF) as a capable, well-trained, and professional fighting force,” according to a recent gov’t RFP.

“Commanded by the US Department of Defense, it is hoped that the comics will help engender respect among children for the national police force and the new Iraqi Army,” reports Wired.

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