Category — election '08

Freeper Alert!

The Freepers just won’t let the Barack Obama birth certificate scandal go. What scandal? Exactly. If you aren’t a tinfoil beanie-wearing mouth-frothing lunatic, you’ve likely never heard of this “scandal”. They’re convinced his birth certificate will reveal that he wasn’t born in the US, or that his mother was a jackal, or something.

I belive the reason [Barack Obama] won’t release [his birth certificate] is because it lists his full name including the firstname of Barry, not Barack, and lists him as caucasian, not african.

He’s worked awfully hard (changing his name to something african sounding and calling himself black, instead of white or mixed) to further his career. He’s not about to have that all blown up by the truth that he’s just as much white as black.

That devious bastard! Why if there’s one thing that’s a sure ticket into the White House, it’s bein’ black and having a furrin-soundin’ name!!

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Self, doesn’t everyone already know that Obama’s mother was white? It’s hardly something he’s tried to keep secret.” Yes, normal people like the average reader of HeyBeUs already knows that. But Freepers, who live in survivalist bunkers subsisting on potted meat and evaporated milk, are insulated from anything that might cause cognitive dissonance, and rely soley on Fox News and the voices inside their heads to give them word of the outside. It’s why they still think Iraq has WMDs. Also why they’re so damn inbred.

Once again, we thank Sadly, No! for wading through the muck of conservative blogs, so we don’t have to sully our dainty hands, and bringing back the most hilarity-inducing bits. Hey, it’s like what Joseph Campbell was talking about!

Typical: old dogs, new tricks.

Consider this post the rolled up newspaper that’s used to swat a dog across its snout after the pooch takes a shit in the middle of the kitchen floor. This time the kitchen floor is the interweb. And the steaming, coiled, noxious piece of shit is the first ever Presidential Twitter debate — which features no presidential candidates.

Nope. Just some Obama and McCain staffers armed with Treos (couldn’t even get iPhones –not even the old ones!) are participating in a four-day online debate. Moderated by some professor of tech and culture and O.G. Wonkette/new editor at Radar Ana Marie Cox.

As you all know, Tweets can only be 140 characters long. Here’s a sample response to John McCain’s intern about his fiscal plan:

Priorities:1) $ for R&D>>tax breaks for hedge fund managers;2) S&T ed. programs>>tax breaks for oil companies

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of my soul screaming. I know folks are trying in earnest to get some cutting edge fusion going with the presidential election and social media but this type of trash misses the point entirely. Much like the youtube debates, having staff serve as gatekeepers to mediate content subverts the entire point of social media. It’s about being instant, spontaneous, and accessible.

Nothing about filming a talking snowman or having some intern text message you about universal health care enriches the political process. It’s just a ham handed exercise in repackaging. The word wide web really does provide a grassroots challenge to both establishment politics and mainstream media — but not when it’s so cheaply used. The smartest baby boomer I know said this about the rise of New Media in politics

Authentic Web-driven power surfaces most dramatically when online communities exercise collective accountability over institutions and individuals that were once invulnerable to instantaneous public reaction and feedback.

Put another way — in a 140 characters or less:

“If you claim to be a social media expert and you only use social media to talk about social media… you’re no expert.” Tim Siedell via Twitter.

related: FAILURE.

* PNP means “Party and Play”. It’s a gay thang. Means you’re down to do meth/coke and fuck strangers.The more you know!

If you claim to have smoked crack and blown the Democratic Presidential nominee, YOU might be in the pockets of desperate conservatives!

If you haven’t heard of Larry Sinclair, it’s because only the wingnuttiest of conservatives (think people who make Michelle Malkin look reasoned and intelligent) are using him as ammo against Obama. He’s put a video on YouTube where he claims to have done cocaine (he makes sure to elaborate that while it was powdered coke for him, Obama smoked crack, because that’s what black people do) and blown him in a limo in the late ’90s. Oh, and apparently Obama gave the total stranger he cruised for gay sex and drugs his real name and position, because he’s just that stupid.

Sinclair has a decades-long criminal record of fraud and petty crime, and has oustanding warrants in Colorado. So does he lay low and continue to sling mud from the relative anonymity of the internet? No, he calls a press conference in Washington DC, which results in 2 US Marshalls showing up and hauling him off. Genius!

Oh, and did we mention his lawyer?

It got worse when Sinclair’s lawyer Montgomery Sibley—whose license is currently suspended in D.C. and Florida—showed up in a kilt and told reporters that his above-average endowment made slacks tight and uncomfortable.

Welcome to WTFville. I imagine we’ll be taking quite a few more trips there between now and November.

Hat tips to Pandagon and Reason.

Stimulus Package: Money, Cash, Hos

Lately I’ve been wondering what an Obama White House might mean for the future of bling. For the fate of heavy gold, medallions, below-the-butt denim, the whole hip-hop gangsta fashion habit. What if January 20, 2009 turned out to be.. a watershed fashion moment for teenaged boys?

Ugh. “Gangsta?” This is like when my pudgy sweat-slathered boss says desperately ironic things like “That’s how I roll!”

She goes on to reference: Ed Sullivan. The Beatles. And a winsome 67 year old corrections officer. This is EXACTLY why assisted living facilities should NOT have internet access.

Moving on. Let me holla at this ho: DO NOT confuse bling with jeans that sag from gats, crack pipes, and all the dreadful woes of a Baltimore housing project.

1. Bling is boss. Its not just a red-carpet fashion statement. It’s a deeper set of values: Playing hard, looking good and lapping up the finest. The Bentley, the four finger ring, chilled the Dom Perignon, and the hot jacuzzi. Its about hittin switches in a drop top.

2. Whether its based in crass materialism or in giant meta quotation marks, bling is about being gaudy, sassy, and bold. Right or wrong bling is empowering. Its irreverent, audacious and HONEST. Damon Dash Emporer of Bling says: “I’ve always been addicted to money. I like to have diamonds, jewelery; I like my private jets, my cooks, the fact I stay in a presidential [suite] wherever I go.” Totes. I say, why the fuck not? Brush yo shoulders off and hop on that jet if you got it.

3. Speaking of which, let us not forget Bama’s dog whistle when he brushed his shoulders off at a rally. It was a gloriously authentic moment. A moment that we gleefully understood that the confused boomers missed. Like the fist bump, like Bama saying “Ya, I did a little blow“, its all about the open self-revelatory style. The way Dash unabashedly declares his love for them big bodied Benzes to Bama snorting yeah-yo: its open, its out there, unapologetically. This is something neither the focus grouped Clinton or the Liver Spotted McCain could do.

When Bama becomes president the flossin, the rims, and the bling will not go away . Hopefully, the craggy Boomers who write this moth-eaten drivel will.

“Would he be VP?” Opines MSNBC

Mr. Obama was not thrilled with a campaign slogan, “Change We Can Believe In,” that was unveiled last September. And he did not initially like the campaign’s blue and white logo — intended to appear like a horizon, symbolizing hope and opportunity — saying he found it too polished and corporate.

“He made his concern clear, but said, ‘We have bigger fish to fry here,’ ” recalled David Axelrod, the campaign’s chief strategist who was behind the logo’s design. “That’s one of his talents, his ability to distinguish between things that are absolutely essential and things that aren’t. He’ll give you some latitude based on your expertise.” — NYT, Obama as a delegator

Yet another thing Barrack and I agree on! That logo belongs on a disposable enema package. But I think Barry would dig this one though:

Pazuzu does NOT support Jindal for veep

More importantly, he’s the son of Indian immigrants and in his late 30s, thereby providing some balance to the “Crusty Old White Man” ticket. Hey, we’re not knocking it. Balance is the raison d’être of veep nominees.

Unfortunately for the McCain camp, it’s recently come out that Jindal is also quite possibly pants-shittingly crazy, having claimed in a 1994 essay he wrote for the conservative Catholic journal New Oxford Review that he once exorcised a female college “friend” with a bunch of other guys and cured her cancer, which was apparently demonic in origin. Why does this sound disturbingly like an excuse for a gang bang? “We swear officer, we thought she was possessed!“ [Read more →]

One sure sign that Obama is the man to beat this fall is the ridiculous rumor mill that has revved up and started churning out crap, such as the “revelation” that somewhere there’s an audio tape of would-be First Lady Michelle Obama ranting angrily about “Whitey”. We’re pretty sure that, should such a tape actually exist, there would have been a collective orgasm from the right-wing blogosphere that could be heard ’round the world. We doubt it could be kept secret for 30 seconds.

This rumor is like a game of Telephone and keeps changing and getting more incredible with each iteration. The people rumored to have been joining her have run the gamut from plausible (Jeremiah Wright) to doubtful (Louis Farrakhan) to hallucinatorily impossible (Malcom X).

There’s a plausible theory going around, that everyone is getting all het up over a tape in which Michelle Obama is criticizing Bush by saying “Why’d he put us in Iraq for no reason?”, etc., and it’s being misrepresented as “Whitey”. Which makes sense, because saying “Whitey put us in Iraq for no reason” doesn’t even make grammatical sense. Michelle Obama went to Princeton University and Harvard Law School. She’s not the fucking Hulk. “Whitey let New Orleans drown! MICHELLE SMASH!”

And then there’s this:

We figured the fist-pound was just an affectionate gesture of solidarity and triumph.  Well, color us naïve; it’s obviously some kind of coded hand signal for, at the very least, BLACK POWER!. Or possibly OMGTERRORISM!.

White people are crazy.

And then there were two.

Why on earth does McCain want to take Obama on in a series of “Town Hall Meetings”?

We don’t expect you to watch the whole thing, lest you nod off, but compare McSame’s dull, plodding speaking style in a speech he gave in Kenner, LA on Tuesday night:

…to Obama’s compelling speech on accepting the Democratic nomination:

Yeah, there’s no way this is going to end well for McCain. Kind of like when they both released their medical records: McCain’s people tried to bury his by releasing it on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, but there was still plenty of reporting on the various tumors, growths, polyps, kidney and gallstones he’s had removed over the past twelve years. The entire report was roughly the size of a phone book and included the revelation that “his buttocks are unremarkable except for some light tan freckling”.

(Disturbingly, there’s no record of him ever having received any kind of therapy, even though he’s got a famously bad temper and once called his wife a “cunt” and a “trollop” when she teased him about balding. Call us a pansy, but we think the guy that spent years in a bamboo tiger cage with a bag of rats on his head should occasionally talk to a professional about his mental health.)

Whereas Obama’s medical records was literally a one-page letter from his doctor saying the Democrat was “lean and muscular with no excess body fat”.

We say: Let’s decide the whole thing with a game of pick-up!

Of course, Obama could only benefit from such a debate. Just the sight of him towering over the wizened visage of Grampy McCain will probably give Obama a 20 point boost. As fanatical Obama supporters, HeyBeUs officially endorses the Town Hall Meetings.

Don’t make me use these guns on you, Gilbert.

To-may-to, To-mah-to. Both were horrible places where the Nazis perpetrated hideous crimes against humanity. It’s not as ridiculous as Hillary’s “I landed under heavy fire in Bosnia!” gaffe, seeing as how Obama was talking about events that happened more than 60 years ago to someone else.

Never a group to let reasonableness stand in the way of a good rant, some of them are desperately digging for a scrap of proof that Obama lied outright. Leading the charge is Steve Gilbert of Sweetness & Light, who sent an email to the owners of a website that preserves the history of the 89th Infantry Division of WWII (the division that liberated the camp), asking if there was any record of a “Charlie Payne” and including links to his insane blathering on the subject.

The reply was about what we’d expect from a veteran of horors that would probably make Gilbert and his cohorts piss their pants and start crying like little girls:

Please crawl back under the rock you came out from.

Good day

Raymond Kitchell, veteran 89th Inf Div

Raymond Kitchell, truly you, and the rest of the 89th Infantry Division, deserve the appellation “The Greatest Generation”. We tip our hats to you, sir!

More pancake! I can still see the hypocrisy and self-loathing!!

However, that won’t stop Joe from hanging out with Hagee and a bunch of his minions at their big revival meeting–or whatever the hell the deceptively innocuously-named “Christians United for Israel” really is–in July.

I bet he wouldn’t dare do this if his mother was still alive. Can you imagine the sheer tonnage of disaproval that a Jewish mother could generate towards a son whose friend is kind of a fan of Hitler? That would make for some awkward Thanksgiving dinners.

REGGIE.

LOVE.

Obama’s personal aide is a 6’ 5” brick shithouse who looks like Stringer Bell and plays basketball with “the boss” every time there’s a primary. Also, he keeps a photo journal of the campaign shot with a Rebel XT, he tried out for the Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys, and he introduced Barack Obama to Jay-Z.

Seriously, just for the Jay-Z thing, you’re a hero. This is the man responsible for Barack gettin’ that dirt off his shoulders in North Carolina.

Did you see that Hillary? That was a relevant pop culture reference that resonated with his audience. Bravo.

Charlie Young, if you’d been this cool, audiences across America would have screamed failure to suspend disbelief. Thank God for reality.

via New York Times