Category — feminist spidey sense

Hey kids, did you know the anti-sex, Bible-bashing kooks at the Abstinence Clearinghouse are now keeping a blog? That is, if “blog” can be defined as “a bunch of two-sentence rambling crap entries with no links to back up their insane blathering and the kind of puncuation one usually comes across in serial killer missives”.

Here’s a typical entry, ominously titled “The Left” and penned by HotMama247 (no, really), who is clearly the Dostoevsky of this little group of wingnuts:

The left is telling the many young people who are committed to purity and character that they want to cure them.  I didn’t know there was anything wrong with them!!!

How can we possibly argue with that scintillating logic? We’re off to convert to The First Church of Obnoxious Proselytism and swear off sex until marriage, and off birth control altogether! Better stock up on saltpeter to keep down the urges and install a zipper on our uterus!!

Sadly, the blog has been closed to commenting, after an inundation of comments by the non-addle-brained left them clutching their pearls and unable to deal with the resulting cognitive dissonance.

Luckily, STDs are in this year

The top 10 are:

10. Ashley Tisdale
9. Lindsay Lohan
8.Christina Aguilera
7. Eva Mendes
6. Elisha Cuthbert
5. Sarah Michelle Gellar
4. Eva Longoria
3. Jessica Biel
2. Scarlett Johansson
1. Marissa Miller

We’re pretty sure they’ve just been listing the same 100 women and hitting “shuffle” since 1999. Maybe with minor adjustments for when someone dies, or becomes too much of a hot mess for even the meatheads who “read” this cumrag to get hard over. (See: Spears, Britney.)

And that obviously doesn’t happen too often, since Lindsay Lohan managed to snag the #9 slot. We’re sure knowing that pimply jerks in skidmarked underwear who can’t buy real porn still think she’s fuckable is just the shot in the arm her self-esteem needs to stop her emotional implosion.

So, horsey-looking women are beyond the pale of sexual desirability; but a washed-up kiddie star that you’d have to pry out of her girlfriend’s arms, hose the vomit off of, triple-bag your dick or live with that burning feeling, then drop off at rehab: Totes fuckable!

What we’re taking away from this is: Maxim’s readers like women of marginal talent with big boobs who are at least occasionally blond. Watch for next month’s cover story, which will be a hard-hitting exposé about how men like to drink fermented plant material while watching violent contact sports!

In the wake of the Miley Cyrus bared-shoulder scandal, a member of ONTD took it upon themselves to compile 14 years’ worth of Annie Leibowitz covers for Vanity Fair’s annual “Hollywood Issue”. That’s a whole lot of powdered skin, awkward poses, and facial expressions that bespeak either ennui or a powerful need to fart. You be the judge.

The covers are fold-outs, meaning the left third of each image is actually what a potential buyer sees on the cover. Jezebel sees a racial bias in them, because a majority of the actors of color are pushed off to the right two-thirds. I’m sure that’s not an accident, any more than the fact that when men and women are both in the shot, the women have on average about 96% less clothing than the men.

Of course, the funniest thing about going back over a decade and a half of so-called “It” actors and actresses is the schadenfreude that comes with realizing how many of them totally fizzled out. Wait, so people really thought Monica Potter was going to be the Next Big Thing? Wow, people were stupid in the ’90s.

I’ve always liked Leibowitz. I like her for the same reason I like David LaChapelle. I’m a fan of celebrities, I’m seduced by their personas, and I get kick from seeing beautiful portraits of those personas perfectly captured or creatively re-imagined.

But this? This is all she could come up with for Miley Cyrus? Tarted up, tussled, and topless? This is a tween star who has built her career being squeaky clean goofy girl—-not on on implicit sexuality like Britney or Chrisitina did (that’s why the Rolling Stone spread wasn’t nearly as appalling because, right or wrong, initially Britney was about being a coquettish Lolita.)

Sexualizing young girls ain’t nothing new, but for Leibowitz and the increasingly irrelevant Vanity Fair to justify this boring, uninspired, tawdry, and exploitive image as “unintentional” and “misunderstood” is outrageous. Her bare breasts wrapped in a virginal white satin sheet was just an spontaneous decision by a particularly keen eyed prop dude on the set? Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t bullshit. It was clear what all parties we’re trying to do, sell more issues, create more buzz by stripping down a teenager and making it looked like she just emerged from some sexual encounter. Simply put : it’s unnecessary, deeply cynical, and totally uncreative.

LiLo’s Nipples– Destroying The Economy Since 1999

Oh good, it’s another douchebaggy evo-psych “science” report: Sex and financial risk linked in brain. Wondering why we’re teetering on the brink of recession, about to plunge headlong? Is it because of corporate greed and deregulation, a war that’s dragged on for years, a government who caters to the top 1% wealthiest elite?

No, you silly gals! It’s all because of your boobs!

A new brain-scan study may help explain what’s going on in the minds of financial titans when they take risky monetary gambles — sex. When young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to make a larger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary, such a snake, or something neutral, such as a stapler, university researchers reported.

The study used 15 male heterosexual college students, which is totally representative of all sectors of financial America. They didn’t bother to scan women (although that didn’t stop one of the authors from making a joke about women and chocolate that is more tired than John McCain after running the Boston Marathon–Haw haw! Those wacky girls and their lust for the cocoa bean!) because they weren’t sure what aroused women.

Well, not being blamed for this shitty economy would be a good start, guys.

 Carrie Denny writes a pretty good article for Philadelphia Magazine about the weird trend of tween girls getting extensive spa treatments and make-overs. I qualify it as “pretty good” because she places sole blame squarely on the shoulders of the mothers of these girls, and I don’t think that’s really fair.

There you have it — the new norm for young, privileged, growing girls. It’s not just designer clothes, luxury cars, and the best-of-the-best in schools, lessons and tutors: It’s narcissism, and it’s inherited from — no, encouraged by — Mom. Mom, who not only lifts, tans and waxes herself into oblivion, but who has now turned her attentions to her daughter, hauling her from spa to spa before the school pictures, the big dance, or, well, just because — for facial after blowout after wax.

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Because if it’s cute I want it inside of me

Planned Parenthood is releasing a line of condoms for female buyers called “Proper Attire”. Currently being sold at chi-chi New York City boutiques, the profits will go towards buying the boring, uncool condoms that Planned Parenthood gives away for free to horny girls that want to boink in the boring suburbs, even if their partner’s wang isn’t going to be sparkly or polka-dotted while they do it.

The website is full of unintentional lulz:

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Cristal Connors: You like my nails? Not as nice as yours.
Nomi Malone: Maybe I could help you with yours… If you like.
Cristal Connors: Why you’d do that for me?
Nomi Malone: What are friends for?
Cristal Connors: On second thought… I’m not so sure I want you to be doin’ mine. I’m getting a little too old for that ‘whorey’ look.

People, have we learned nothing from the stellar film performances of Elizabeth Berkley? Beware the savage female underminer!

Chloe Marshall, England’s Miss Surrey and the first size 16 to run for the title of Miss England is interviewed by the Daily Mail’s Jenny Johnston, who cops a typical passive-aggressive, condescending, “It’s so refreshing that you’re comfortable with being a big fat pig, dearie” attitude.

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Ashcroft Knows Best

She’s back with a smart article in The Los Angeles Times about the state of women today. Wurtzel points out some troubling realities: there are few females in positions of power, wage inequality persists, women are expected to be either well-paid whores or passive housewives, and people still watch Entourage.

What is responsible for all of this? According to Wurtzel, it’s the women’s movement! We totes failed! We done screwed up our little lady liberation party, and after burning all of those expensive satin bras! (Well, not exactly).

Wurtzel is concerned that third wave “Do Me” feminism, (marked by “lipstick glamour, a joyous embrace of femininity, and an affectionate embrace of men”) has inadvertently morphed into a full-fledged, Girls Gone Wild panty-dropping raunch culture. Columnist Meghan Daum agrees.

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The Pittsburgh Steelers are getting quite the reputation lately for being a little slap-happy with their women. Wide Receiver Cedrick Wilson was let go for punching his ex-girlfriend last week; lest fans worry that their team is going all soft and girly, Linebacker James Harrison has not been fired for busting down his girlfriend’s front door, breaking her cell phone in half as she tried to dial 911, and slapping her hard enough to knock her glasses off.

Team Chairman Dan Rooney has explained that charges of domestic abuse will be reviewed on a case-by-case basis to see if they’re well-intentioned. Because sometimes women need a good paddlin’, dontcha know.

In Harrison’s case, Rooney said the player was trying to take his son to be baptized.

“What Jimmy Harrison was doing and how the incident occurred, what he was trying to do was really well worth it,” Rooney said of Harrison’s initial intent with his son. “He was doing something that was good, wanted to take his son to get baptized where he lived and things like that. She said she didn’t want to do it.”

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There’s a new online game craze among the tween set in England and France. It’s called “Miss Bimbo”, and it’s exactly as progressive and delightful as it sounds. Basically, it’s like Tamagotchi, except with vapid sluts instead of kawaii little digital animals. According to the website, some of the goals of the game are:

• Shop for the latest fashions and become the trendsetting bimbo in town!
• Become a socialite and skyrocket to the top of fame and popularity!
• Date that famous hottie you’ve had your eye on and show the Bimbo world the social starlet you are!
• Even resort to meds or plastic surgery. Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!

You, too, can be just like Miss Teen South Carolina and, like, such as! Furiously pursue social acceptance and hollow aesthetic beauty! What meaningful life lessons! I bet Heidi Montag and Charlotte Allen would be great at this game.

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Our favorite jewy confection of fashion and sex SJP finally responded to Maxim declaring her the unsexiest woman alive.

“It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.”

And it is brutal. From Maxim:

“How the hell did this Barbaro-faced broad manage to be the least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women and still star on a show with ’sex’ in the title? Pull your skirt down, Secretariat, we´d rather ride Chris Noth.”

Well, I’d rather wipe my ass with a chainsaw than with a copy of Maxim magazine. Hustler is more enlightened about women than Maxim and has better writing (see their piece on Naughty School Girl Carwash! It puts Tom Wolfe to shame).

First off, SJP is awesome because she made a career out of being the dorky drama girl on Square Pegs. Then she went on to produce one the most brilliant, invigorating and advanced dramas about female sexuality in the history of TV. She’s self-effacing with pitch-perfect comedic timing and she turned me on to Oscar De La Renta. Jessica Alba made Good Luck Chuck. There. SJP wins and you can chuck on my nuts, Maxim.

Some fun facts about about the lamest cum-rag mag around after the jump. [Read more →]