Category — movies

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Apparently the Sex and the City movie premier in New York City last night was a disaster.

New Line Cinemas is a cruel cocktease: they overbooked a 6,000 seat theater by like 2,000 — leaving 2,000 women in 4” Prada pumps standing in line for hours only to be denied entry — and if that’s not cause for a riot, I don’t know what is. There are sob stories, too. Ruined birthdays! Thousands of dollars! Surgery!

(I can’t imagine this sort of thing happening at another blockbuster premier where everyone gets dressed up — like one of the Star Wars episodes, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter or Chronicles of Narnia. If it did, though, the costumes would be way funnier and the offended masses would be armed.)

And then on top of that, the New York Post shat all over it this morning with 1.5 stars: He calls it “a 21/2-hour ‘very special’ TV episode of ‘Sex and the City’ that feels like it was written and directed by an audience focus group in Omaha.” And it gets way grittier. He was totes over it after season five, so this is just backlash, and you know that hell hath no fury like a gay movie critic scorned by Carrie Bradshaw.

I’m gonna keep scanning flickr for photos of Dior-clad East-Side heiresses straining against the velvet rope to swing a a Louis Vuitton clutch like a battleaxe as Chris Noth blows them a kiss. That shit’s gonna be gold.

via Gothamist

Mediocre? Sure. But come on people: there are minotaurs. MINO-FUCKING-TAURS.

We like a man with experience

Having raked in just over $100 million in its opening weekend, there is almost certainly going to be an Iron Man 2 and probably 3. That’s excellent news for the manfuckers who have a wet spot for our favorite reformed addict, Robert Downey Jr.

Seriously, what devil did he sell his soul to, that he still looks like that after the years of black-out drinking and coke-snorting? And unlike other pansy-ass celebrities who cried their way out of jail, RDJ actually did time. In the same prison where Charles Fucking Manson is incarcerated. This was after he was arrested for driving naked down Sunset Boulevard with a loaded gun, and violated parole by breaking into a neighbor’s house and falling asleep in their kid’s bed. Thankfully not while the kid was in it.

Oh yeah, he’s also a crazy-talented actor. We’re just tickled by his insane past. Stay clean, RDJ!

Handsome, sexy, drunk! I don’t know. Stuff like, “That was a fun day but, God, I ate way too much rice before lunch.” Or, “Did I bang her?” That type of stuff. -on what he thinks when he watches his old movies. Read the entire interview in the Mirror.

Bonus: Take the “Robert Downey Jr. or Tony Stark?” Radar quiz. His drunken behavior alienated his live-in staff. Was it Downey, Stark, or both?

We’re still not sure WTF is the deal with RDJ making his next movie in blackface, but we’re reserving judgement until we see it in context. That’s how much we love him!

Don’t look directly at the screen for too long, the image of dancing doggies decked out in Aztec garb will burn itself right into the back of your eyelids. Mmmm CGI makes Racism so seemless!

 FAIL.

via Best Week Ever

“This movie was the ‘Schindler’s List’ of all stakeout movies…and so on and so forth”

Meet The Olds

Repeat after me: PROTECT THE BRAND.

Steve Jobs understands this. Jack Nicholson understands this. Marlo Stanfield understood this too well.

De Niro and Pacino don’t: they have destroyed their brands. They we’re the triumphs of ‘New Hollywood’ set. Sometimes ugly and gruff, nevertheless, the two were electrifying throughout the first half of their careers. Now, in their twilight, they have become fucking cartoons. Rather than cherry pick their parts with extreme prejudice, these two mopes sold out and cashed in on their brand. A great piece in the LA times depicts their downfall:

“I don’t envy Pacino or De Niro. They’re in a bind, having come of age at a time when actors could still get provocative dramas made without everyone having to work for peanuts. Today they’re grumpy old men, relegated to raking in loot from cartoonish comedy and generic thrillers.”

How the mighty have fallen (here’s a superb list of other oscar winners have sullied their brand. For some reason they include Nicholas Cage! Wtf?!). But the good news is that another group of masters have returned. The motherfuckin’ Kids In The Hall are back together and are in glorious form. The Kids in The Hall brand is comedy legend. No sketch show has compared. And after 5 seasons, when material ran dry they called it quits, and unlike Jordan wearing the 4-5 or my boy HOVA , these fuckers are at the top of their game. See their newest sketch after the jump — it’s called “car fuckers”

[Read more →]

Hey, remember Colony Collapse Disorder? It was Spring 2007’s Summer of the Shark. Except for the part where it was a real concern, instead of just a media-conflated mass-panic designed to sell 24-hour cable news in a season where traditionally, Americans are too lazy to do anything that’s actually newsworthy.

The strangest part of the disorder is that the bees don’t just die, they disappear entirely:

Millions of bees have simply vanished. In most cases, all that’s left in the hives are the doomed offspring. But dead bees are nowhere to be found — neither in nor anywhere close to the hives.

The puzzling disorder has continued into this year’s growing season, concerning farmers and fanceypants ice cream companies. We here at Hey, Be Us! have put our piercing intellect on the problem, and we think we’ve figured it out:

Don’t panic, America! The bees will return as soon as they’re finished killing Nicholas Cage. Judging by the way he’s vigorously shaking his head and opening his mouth as wide as possible, it won’t be long.

 Bzzz Ghost Rider sucked ballzzz!

ps. if you aren’t familiar with quite possibly the greatest film since Showgirls please take the three minute tour.

We all gasped at how downright breathtaking this picture was we wanted to share.

Garbo: Anxious. Vulnerable. Distracted.

The picture is also beautifully composed: “A tousled bob, slightly smoky eyes, and perfectly defined lips gives Greta Garbo an air that is both poised and playful.”

American Psycho hits theaters for the first time in New Zeland this week. Behold their creative and precise print ad:

It’s no secret that Matty and I are card-carrying business card enthusiasts. I blame this movie for our obsession with raised black ink and crisp watermarks. We hope the Kiwis enjoy the hearty American mergers and acquisitions — lord knows we’ve put up with enough their insufferably gay Mordor crap.

Fun fact! Did you the movie was directed by a kick ass LADY who directed a David Simon written Teevee Show?

Best exchange:

Patrick Bateman: He was into that whole Yale thing.
Donald Kimball: Yale thing?
Patrick Bateman: Yeah, Yale thing.
Donald Kimball: What whole Yale thing?
Patrick Bateman: Well, he was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing.

If you need to find me tonight I’ll be at Dorsia.

[image via this]