Category — public servants

We are not fans of that Hollywood staple, the talentless blonde starlet who claws her way to the middle using only her gumption, trout lips and enormous rack. You know, the kinds of women who have been littering Annie Leibowitz’s Vanity Fair covers for the past decade.

Especially when they’re as insufferably in love with themselves as Scarlett Johansson, who followed up her album of Tom Waites covers (no, really) by getting banned from the Cannes premiere of Vicky Cristina Barcelona. The official line was that she “wasn’t being a team player”–specifically, that she demanded her own personal cosmetician to the tune of $8,000 a night. And this woman is supposed to give Maxim readers wood? Seriously, how ugly do you have to be to need eight grand a night to be made presentable enough to go see a movie??

Lately ScarJo’s been running around and claiming she has some deep, personal, email correspondence with Barack Obama. Turns out, not so much:

Obama was chatting with the guys on his campaign plane when he referred to his personal assistant, Reggie Love. “She sent one e-mail to Reggie, who forwarded it to me,” Obama said matter-of-factly.

“I write saying, ‘Thank you, Scarlett, for doing what you do.’ And suddenly we have this e-mail relationship.”

Oooh, BURN! (BTW, have we mentioned we <3 Reggie Love? His name is REGGIE LOVE!)

You know, he’s really doing you a favor, ScarJo. You keep flapping those couch cushion lips about Obama, and you’re gonna wind up getting your weave snatched off your head by a pissed-off potential First Lady.

I got 2 tickets to the gun show!

More pancake! I can still see the hypocrisy and self-loathing!!

However, that won’t stop Joe from hanging out with Hagee and a bunch of his minions at their big revival meeting–or whatever the hell the deceptively innocuously-named “Christians United for Israel” really is–in July.

I bet he wouldn’t dare do this if his mother was still alive. Can you imagine the sheer tonnage of disaproval that a Jewish mother could generate towards a son whose friend is kind of a fan of Hitler? That would make for some awkward Thanksgiving dinners.

What is this strange feeling we’re experiencing? Is it… respect? …for Chris Matthews??

Last week while speaking to the Israeli Knesset, Dear Leader made a typically retarded statement in which he compared Obama’s desire to talk with Iran before we resort to invasion and carpet-bombing to Neville Chamberlain turning over Austria and the Sudentenland to Hitler. If we may cram a little English in with the history: That’s “diplomacy”. “Appeasement” is giving a dictator half of Czechoslovakia so he won’t invade Poland. You’re welcome!

Ignorance of both recent history and basic language skills didn’t stop the usual right-wing water-carriers from taking up the meme of appeasement and regurgitating it all over the airwaves. Bush gave them their talking points and they have a job to do, damn it!

In this recent clip from Hardball, watch Chris Matthews take time out from asking Hill if her vagina would keep her from being an effective Commander-in-Chief to nail Kevin James but good. He hammers away at him for several minutes while James hysterically splutters the same ineffective non-answers ad nauseum (”It all goes back to appeasement! It’s the exact same thing! It legitimized and energized!”), before he finally cracks and admits he has no idea what he’s talking about.

The worst thing about Kevin James is how patently manufactured his “conservative outrage” is. It’s obvious he doesn’t give a fuck about politics; being a right-wing talking head is the closest thing to huckstering snake oil to local rubes from the back of a covered wagon as you can get in the 21st century. We’ve seen better acting on infomercials for “painless” hair-removal systems playing at 3 o’clock in the morning.

We endorse the black guy.

Byrd has a cute nickname in the Senate: “Sheets”. That’s because he used to belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

Hill, even the former Klansman is throwing his weight behind Obama. Save yourself a shred of dignity and drop out. Sure, you’re probably going to win Kentucky today; only to have the nation’s makers of racist lawn ornament jockeys endorse Obama next week.

Ah! Sweet California! Known for it’s sprawl and famous duck-lipped sex tape stars, California is also home to some of the most innovative and bat-shit crazy politicians. Lets take a gander of some of their creative ways to balance the budget!

1.The Dildo Tax

Pop quiz hot shot: what’s the best way to fix the budget?
A. Cut back military and prison spending

B. Add a 25% sales tax on sex toys

C. Bide time until next big earthquake, then sink romantically into the Pacific Ocean.
If you chose B, congratulations, you’re probably California Democrat Charles Calderon ! Obvs, we should protest this shit Sons of Liberty style, and toss a bunch dildos and butt plugs into the Los Angeles River. WHOSE COMING (heh) WITH ME? But why stop there? There’s also discussions to increase the tax on beer, porn flicks, and on itunes downloads. This is a slippery slope here people, next thing we know these fuckers are going be taxing emoticons and handjobs.

2.The Self-Righteous Public Radio Listener Grocery Tax Incentive

One proposal would have grocery stores charging 25 cents per plastic bag. Um, aren’t there already enough people in LA and SF who bike to Whole Foods with reusable satchels made from a blend of seaweed and cruelty-free hemp? I’m not looking forward to seeing any more of those assholes zipping around.

3.Old ppl r all up in ur government, driving down ur effishency!

By far the worst proposal is AB 2459, this gives tax breaks to low-income seniors – that they must “work off” by doing data entry or filing in county offices. Seniors? Data entry? That’s like toddlers using heavey machinery: expensive broken stuff and shit everywhere.

What’s that you say? Sticking desperate elderly people behind the desks of government offices is the least effective solution imaginable? Don’t be silly. There’s no such thing as too many disgruntled, exhausted and inept state employees. Bonus points if they have dementia.

Ok, I’m not being totally fair; on the upside, some of these proposals would increase fees for the owners of gas-guzzlers and yachts, to help avoid further cuts in healthcare and education.

In any case, time to stock up on your ridiculously overpriced adult novelties before they get even more expensive. Giddy-up!

I feel terrible that I started a war under false premises that led to the deaths of thousands of US troops and foreign civilians. Now watch this drive!

It’s true, very few families who’ve lost loved ones in a horrific bloodbath take the time to walk around a spacious park-like setting and wack little white balls with metal clubs. He’s a saint!

The time he used to spend golfing will now be devoted to mountain biking, falling off his Segway, and napping.

Take that, terrorists!

Yesterday the internets exploded with this clip of Insider Edition-era Bill O’Reilly–beloved pundit, writer of both terrible non-fiction and terrible fiction, and noted pervert–having a meltdown over what appears to be ignorance of the phrase “play us out”. Apparently Bill was alseep when they taught that phrase in journalism school, and also has never watched any television journalism, including his own show, ever.

Watch Bill’s hair at 1:06, where it seems to become so frightened at his violent tirade that it appears to be attempting to crawl off his scalp and go hide.

Poor Bill. It’s not easy living your life on teevee, warts and all. Let’s send him a conciliatory falafel basket.

Possible replacement for the elephant as symbol of the GOP. Elephant testicles are too leathery to be palatable.

Former Republican Senator and Governor of Nevada, Paul Laxalt, was hosting an annual all-male, all-GOP “lamb fry” dinner in Georgetown, when he choked and had to be Heimliched by former campaign aids for Huckabee and Romney.

“Lamb fries” are, of course, the cutesy name given to fried sheep’s testicles.

So, a group of misogynists leave the little wives at home to go hang out in a testosterone-laden gathering and put animal testicles in their mouths. One of them can’t handle the mouthfull of balls, so a couple of servant boys dogpile him and aggressively dry hump him from behind.

People, if there is one thing the GOP does way better than the Democrats, it’s kink.

PopPhoto used their fancy-shmancy age-progression skillz to show us what the Presidential candidates might look like at the end of their first term. I guess in case you wanted to vote based on who would have the most liver spots.

I call bullshit on their prediction for Obama, though. Ain’t they never heard the phrase “Black don’t crack”?

Hillary!

Obama!

McCain!

Editor’s note: One of these photos may or may not have been altered for cheap laffs.

you are not retarded

California legislators have killed a bill that would have labeled all pregnant women in their last trimester (and for up to 2 months after an infant’s birth) as “temporarily disabled” and automatically issued them handicapped parking placards.

“Assemblyman Chuck DeVore (R-Irvine) said his bill would assist women who are not necessarily disabled but are having a particularly painful day, or have swollen feet, or have given birth and find themselves struggling to switch their newborn from a car seat to a stroller in a parking lot with cars jetting by.”

This silly piece of legislation just reinforces the notion that pregnancy is some terrifying medical condition. That women cease from being women when they are preggers and become bloated sub-humans whose body house placenta, milk, and mystery. Women have been squeezing em out since the stone age and been getting a long pretty well, we don’t need your little blue placard.

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Hillary may have been in the White House when Bill was getting his blowjay from Monica.

17,481 pages of Clinton’s schedule as First Lady were released by the National Archives yesterday, and pretty much every media outlet in the world lunged right for what they’re calling “Stained Blue Dress Day”. “Interns Covered in Presidential Jizz Day” was deemed déclassé.

The MSM is currently combing through the archives in search of a telling entry for July 20, 1993 that runs something like:

• 10:30 Mani-pedi.
• 1:00 Kill Vince Foster.
• 5:45 Cocktails with Boris Yeltsin.

We’ll keep you updated as the shocking, decade-old events unfold!

Here’s what you need to know to impress your friends and sound all smart like. This shit is fucked though, son, for real! BRACE YOURSELF:

• At the center of the case is the Second Amendment which says: “a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

• The constitutional question is whether that first clause limits the right to bear arms to a hooch fueled citizen militia, or just a SINGLE heat packin gangster. Individual rights to bear arms versus militia rights to bear arms.

• Last year, the court of appeals for the District of Columbia used the individual-rights rationale to strike down D.C.’s gun law—the toughest in the nation– which bans handguns and requires permitted firearms to be stored, unloaded, with triggers on lock.

• After only 8 minutes into trial the conservative votes align to create a fundamental right for an individual to bear arms :

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