Category — the lady issues

Hey kids, did you know the anti-sex, Bible-bashing kooks at the Abstinence Clearinghouse are now keeping a blog? That is, if “blog” can be defined as “a bunch of two-sentence rambling crap entries with no links to back up their insane blathering and the kind of puncuation one usually comes across in serial killer missives”.

Here’s a typical entry, ominously titled “The Left” and penned by HotMama247 (no, really), who is clearly the Dostoevsky of this little group of wingnuts:

The left is telling the many young people who are committed to purity and character that they want to cure them.  I didn’t know there was anything wrong with them!!!

How can we possibly argue with that scintillating logic? We’re off to convert to The First Church of Obnoxious Proselytism and swear off sex until marriage, and off birth control altogether! Better stock up on saltpeter to keep down the urges and install a zipper on our uterus!!

Sadly, the blog has been closed to commenting, after an inundation of comments by the non-addle-brained left them clutching their pearls and unable to deal with the resulting cognitive dissonance.

Really? This is what counts as creativity these days? This is pushing the envelope of cultural taboos? This is risque? I’ve seen more provocative imagery in Disney underwear ads.

Judging from these cheesey, gimicky magazines shoots which feature a K.D.Lang inspired Jessica Simpson, and a Chaplin-esque Alba, it seems fashion editors, photographers, and celebrities aren’t getting enough attention so they incorporate some light “gender-bending “androgyny” into their creative vision.

Never mind that women’s magazines think any girl who doesn’t apply makeup like JonBenet Ramsey is “earthy”, or that ladies in pants are apparently still newsworthy in 2008.

Forgive me for having a hard time seeing Jessica “Virgin Until Marriage” Simpson or Jessica “Has shown up in Maxim every other month since 1999” Alba as subverting conventional images of women.

No pair of suspenders, rakishly tilted fedora, or dollop of men’s shaving cream can erase what Sweet Kisses and Good Luck Chuck have contributed to modern gender discourse.

So to starlets who fancy themselves bold and provocative for donning drag – Marlene Dietrich and Katharine Hepburn beat you to it, like, seventy years ago.

Get back to me when you show up on a magazine cover with a real mustache.

I don’t know about you, but all of us shame-cave owners rocked Lisa Frank  back in the day. We had motherfuckin’ folders with simley dolphins, lime green neon unicorn earsers, back packs with purple kitty cats. Lisa Frank cut across all social classes and races and united every one by offering a hopeful vision of a fluffy future sprinkled with happy penguins and exploding rainbows. There is only ONE candidate who offers that same vision:

artist Lucas Ketner

This army of Guy Fawkes clones was breastfed

Scientology’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, advised against breastfeeding, saying that most modern women didn’t have a good enough diet to form nutritious breastmilk. Instead he advised his adherents to feed their infants a noxious sludge–which he claimed to have gotten the recipe for in Ancient Rome–of barley water, milk, and honey. Honey is, as any first-year medical student or someone who’s watched a couple of seasons of ER can tell you, not recommended for children under two, as it’s an excellent way to kill your baby with infant botulism. Some modern practitioners have replaced the honey with corn syrup, leading to rotted baby teeth and scurvy. Scurvy. A disease that illiterate, cannibal sailors don’t even get any more.

What makes this speculation all the more amusing is a recently-released survey which found that children who were breastfed have, on average, IQs 5% higher than children who weren’t. (Thanks, Mom!) So maybe Hubbard was crazy like a fox?

1. Instruct your followers to raise their children to be too dimwitted to realize they belong to a cult that exists soley to siphon their money away.
2. Make sure they grow up dumb enough to think statements like “Mental illnesses are caused by the ‘essences’ of followers of a galactic dictator who were brought to Earth billions of years ago and blown up with hydrogen bombs!” make perfect sense.
3. Sit back and watch generations of progressively obtuse morons bulk up church membership.
4. PROFIT.

P.S. If you’d like to contribute to the legal defense fund that will no doubt be needed when we’re sued by the Church of Scientology, please email the author at sarah@heybeus.com.

Bonus: Ripped from the headlines! Check out this clip from a recent episode of Law & Order: Original Flava in which a Totally Not Scientology cult called “Systemotics” kills its members babies with steam baths and wheatgrass juice and throws its critics off of rooftops.

Mauren Dowd extends the worst metaphor ever and proceeds to beat it like a second place derby winner. I can’t believe this is the strongest female voice that the Times can offer. From her colum:

Hillary Clinton may not be a great natural politician, but traveling across the country on her own Bus Named Desire, she has crawled through glass to get the role right. She showed again with her squeaker win in Indiana that for many white working-class men, she is The Man — more tenacious and less concerned with the judgments of the tony set, economists and editorial writers…

Dowd gushes over Clinton’s shrewd ability to play dirty like the rest of the boys. She emasculates Obama for his tepid, awkward stumbling through Indiana’s coffee shops and gas stations. According to the increasingly irrelevant Dowd, Clinton “lacerates” while Obama “accommodates.” Simple, right?

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Disney spokeswoman Patti McTeague told the New York Times that the Vanity Fair shoot featuring a tussled and tarted up Miley Cyrus “was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

Shame Shame Vanity Fair.

You should have tried to replicate the demure age-appropriate classiness that Disney displays in their pre-teen underwear ads that plaster billboards in China.

A pasty, pig-tailed, pre-menstrual tween, reclining in snug fitting white panties and what appears to be an underwire bra. Notice just the slightest hint of cleavage? I’m not sure what’s creepier: her tiny fists hidden behind the maniacal smile of the Disney mouse puppets? Or her dead eyes that look to a future of a first round dismal on VH1 CelebReality dating show?

Before Disney continues to trot out their little teen star to apologize some more, maybe they should get in their own house in order? But then again, maybe we should all just relax Disney, you see, knows a lot about good role models.

via Slate

bloated

Proving that there is nothing and no one the French will not surrender to: the French fashion industry signed a charter last week to promote “healthy body images”.

Unlike Spain, which bans models with a BMI of less than 18, or Britain, which requires models to show a doctor’s certificate proving they don’t suffer from eating disorders (or, if they do, are at least being treated for them), the guidelines in the Land of a Thousand Cheeses don’t actually impose any restrictions.

Instead they focus on “awareness raising” and “information sharing”, and probably aren’t going to do a damn thing to promote the use of healthy models. But at least when the next 18-year-old underweight model drops dead on the catwalk, everyone will be aware that anorexia stopped her heart!

 None of these campaigns are addressing the root of the problem: Designers that essentially make clothes to fit human versions of wire hangers. Harangue the models all you want; but as long as every single big-name designer keeps designing size 0 and under clothes, models are still going to have to subsist on Ex-Lax, cocaine, and ridiculously overpriced bottled water if they want to continue working.

France: Still failing to live up to expectations, 70 years later!

LiLo’s Nipples– Destroying The Economy Since 1999

Oh good, it’s another douchebaggy evo-psych “science” report: Sex and financial risk linked in brain. Wondering why we’re teetering on the brink of recession, about to plunge headlong? Is it because of corporate greed and deregulation, a war that’s dragged on for years, a government who caters to the top 1% wealthiest elite?

No, you silly gals! It’s all because of your boobs!

A new brain-scan study may help explain what’s going on in the minds of financial titans when they take risky monetary gambles — sex. When young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to make a larger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary, such a snake, or something neutral, such as a stapler, university researchers reported.

The study used 15 male heterosexual college students, which is totally representative of all sectors of financial America. They didn’t bother to scan women (although that didn’t stop one of the authors from making a joke about women and chocolate that is more tired than John McCain after running the Boston Marathon–Haw haw! Those wacky girls and their lust for the cocoa bean!) because they weren’t sure what aroused women.

Well, not being blamed for this shitty economy would be a good start, guys.

Ironically, the state sometimes known as “America’s wang” is leading the country in stupid myths about sex: A recent survey of Florida teens shows that some of them believe drinking bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will prevent pregnancy. State lawmakers are laying the blame squarely on the doorstep of abstinence-only education and are using it to push for more comprehensive sex education.

The people that fervently preach abstinence-only sex ed have forgotten a crucial fact: Teenagers are stupid. In the absence of real information, they’re just going to make up stupid shit like “Gravity will prevent her from getting knocked up if she’s on top!” And all Purity Balls do is stress an intact hymen so much that it leads to the next logical conclusion: having lots of anal sex. You know, for Jesus!

Take a picture to remember this face Ginny, because you ain’t gonna be able to make it again for a long time: Virginia Madsen to be new “face” of Botox. It was just 4 years ago that she made Sideways without wearing any make-up, and now she’s endorsing the facial injection of poison. It’s worked wonders for Nicole Kidman and Priscilla Presley!

This is just one part of Botox’s attempt to rejuvinate (zing!) their product’s image, in light of a recently released study that shows Botox can spread to the brain and lead to breathing difficulties and death. The more wrinkled your brain is, the better it works. Well, who needs to think when your face is a perfect shiny rictus? Thinking just gives you more wrinkles! It’s a vicious cycle!

Another part of Botox’s makeover is their new slogan, “It’s all about freedom of expression!”, proving that irony is a foreign concept to the company: the complaints that Botox is ruining movies by turning the faces of actors into frozen masks incapable of registering emotion have been getting louder and more frequent of late.

is my chin still there? i can’t feel it

This is the picture Botox is using on their website to “prove” that one can still make facial expressions after being injected with their toxic sludge. This is the best photo that an expensive marketing campaign that presumably had hundreds of photos to choose from could come up with. This woman can barely open her mouth!

you are not retarded

California legislators have killed a bill that would have labeled all pregnant women in their last trimester (and for up to 2 months after an infant’s birth) as “temporarily disabled” and automatically issued them handicapped parking placards.

“Assemblyman Chuck DeVore (R-Irvine) said his bill would assist women who are not necessarily disabled but are having a particularly painful day, or have swollen feet, or have given birth and find themselves struggling to switch their newborn from a car seat to a stroller in a parking lot with cars jetting by.”

This silly piece of legislation just reinforces the notion that pregnancy is some terrifying medical condition. That women cease from being women when they are preggers and become bloated sub-humans whose body house placenta, milk, and mystery. Women have been squeezing em out since the stone age and been getting a long pretty well, we don’t need your little blue placard.

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Because if it’s cute I want it inside of me

Planned Parenthood is releasing a line of condoms for female buyers called “Proper Attire”. Currently being sold at chi-chi New York City boutiques, the profits will go towards buying the boring, uncool condoms that Planned Parenthood gives away for free to horny girls that want to boink in the boring suburbs, even if their partner’s wang isn’t going to be sparkly or polka-dotted while they do it.

The website is full of unintentional lulz:

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